10/23/2025
sometimes i wonder what would have happened if peanut hadnt followed me. would i have acctually tryed to kill myself? ive seen people talk about how selfish jumping in front of a train is. thats fucking stupid. mind you this was under a video of a girl who had tryed (and failed) to kill herself by jumping in front of a train. you really think she wants to hear abt how selfish you feel she is? fuck cant you have this convorsation of a forum or something? go to reddit you loser leave this teenager alone. mabey im jused pissed off about it because i tryed to kill myself by jumping in front of a train. well thats a bit generous. i mean i walked out there intending to do it but my dog peanut followed me and i couldnt get him to leave me alone. i felt bad that he would have to see me die and was scarred he might try and pull me off the tracks or something and get killed too. i sure as shit didnt want that. and then i went to school the next day. thats kinda crazy. i was about to walk out to the train tracks and possibly try and kill myself, but still i didnt get a day off from school and chores and all of the other things that had made me want to kill myself in the first place.
fuck i miss my dog. jesus fucking crist i miss my dog. i know they did something to him i just know it. fuck i want my dog back. i want my dads back. i want my fucking mom back. so . god. damn. bad. fell like i lost my life. its all wesses fault. god i hope that pice of shit suffers. hes probably not suffering tho. and i am. and i fucking miss his in spite of all the fucked ass bullshit he did.
mabey ill get better at coding and go into IT and then blow my head off at like 30 or something. how much time do you think it will take for my family to give up on me and stop fucking caring what happens to me. i think 30 is a pretty good goalpost. get into hard drugs flunk out of college a few times. put a shotgun down my throught and pull the trigger. sounds like a dream. i suppose god really is dead
i have to set up a meeting w my counseler to drop my delmar class. my grades are fucking pathetic. like... seriously... sooo in dropning it. i have to drop it. i have to fucking get out. if i tell mom she might try and stop me. and if i dont tell mom then shes gonna be so fucking mad but ill be out. its between mom being really mad, and mom being realy fucking pissed. if im not passing by friday thennnnn i hope i get the balls to talk to lyric before she ships me off to dads. i miss dad. im going with him this weekend witch is nice. hell be pissed about grades because everybody is. ughhhhhhh man what if mom asks about my college grades. fuck. i cant lie to her. im fucking terrible at lying to her. im so shitty at lying to my parents they can allways tell.
ok yk what im gonna get on my assignments now. ughhhhh im gonna die.
10/24/2025
ok i feel a lot less scuicidal today lol. ok so this guy... jesus hes hot. hes not hot in like the way people usually use the word hot. hes hot in the sense that he seems super sweet he smells good and we seem to have all the same interests. he came up to me and complimented my invincible shir. i was... totally not being creepy and looking over his shoulder when we were siting for the concer and saw that he listens to vocaloid songs. well i saw miku idk if he only listens to her but i can put him on to peak if thats the case (oliver). this isnt really a comon interest but he has the dinding of issic stickers on his bag and ive wanted to play that game since i first heard of it it seems so cool but in pretty sure i gotta pay for it anddd i dont got money. i hope he likes batman i would love to watch dcau movies withoutsome weirdo rape sympathizer in my ear telling me abt how talia al guhl is her woman. speaking of hazel i havnt seen her at school in a really long time. i dislike her as a person but i mean i do hope shes ok. anyway enough about hazel i wanna talk about lyric. yeah his name is lyric lol... every time i mention him to someone they think im talking abt avas bf. and jesus that guy sucks. hes a terrible guy. hopefully lyric isnt like lyric. is that even how you spell his name? like a song lyric? im a bit dyslexic if you cant tell. anyway. conversation topics! im planning to aproach lyric today. yesterday i was stressed as hell and too mad to hold a conversation so i didnt go up to him. but then he came up to me in the hallway to compliment my bag. GAHHH hes so cuteeeeee. wow im a weirdo. uhh.... so im gonna go up to him and ask about his fav invincible character and mabey ask him abt the binding of issic cause thos are the only pices of info i know abt him that werent aquired in a creepy way. mabey i can tell him abt the miku figures i got at comic con and show him my peak figures. mabey show him some of the comics i have on me. pull riddler out of my pocket lol. pepard is gonna be a bitch abt me not doing the stupid good docs assignment but i cant let that get me down. i need to talk to him